Podge agus Rodge

To make amends for my long absence, here are some quotes from Ireland's favourite foul mouthed puppets, Podge and Rodge

>I'm as sick as a small hospital
>I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
>She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se
>Your're as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit
>My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck
>He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
>He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
>As funny as a burning orphanage
>He's so camp, he shites tent pegs
>I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
>I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)
>(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
>She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
>As busy as the dalkey dole office
>Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
>As tight as a nun's knickers
>I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
>I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
>Up and down like a hoor's knickers
>No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
>Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
>What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
>I left her with a face like a painters radio
>A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
>Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
>As fit as a butcher's dog
>She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
>Not even the tide would take her out
>Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her
>Daz wouldn't shift her
>Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
>A sniper wouldn't take her out
>Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
>If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
>She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a
nettle
>She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
>She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
>If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall
>I'm so exicted for Clare, you could hang a door on my erection!

On lust...

One of my classmates likes to title her posts "On trust" and "On love" and so on. I'm taking a page out of her book by calling this post "On lust".

That isn't a picture of my classmate btw. It's Terri Hatcher at last night's Grammy awards. And no, I don't care she's 41.

And yes, I'm grateful that she provided me with an opportunity to post a nice brief entry on my blog, rather than those bloody essays you'll see if you scroll down the page.

And finally for today, I'm also grateful that Mary Harney is no longer the best looking bird on my blog.

I have a reputation to maintain after all.

Celtic Tiger commercialism

Just a brief pre-Christmas word on something that, for me at least, was a new experience - doing Xmas shopping till 2am!

At midnight last night we went for a family trip to Castlebar to do some essential seasonal shopping in Tesco's and Dunnes Stores.

I wasn't sure what to expect. The reason we decided to do the shopping at night was to avoid the large crowds that usually throng the bigger stores in Castlebar nearly all year - not just before Christmas.

I know that Tesco in Castlebar - like many bigger Tescos nationwide - is open 24/7 all year, and I doubt they would do that unless they could make some money out of it.

Dunnes, which is barely 100 feet from Tesco, is also open 24 hours - but only for Christmas. Normally it closes at midnight. Amateurs :-)

Bearing all this in mind, I was expecting maybe a handful of people in both Tesco and Dunnes, probably young professionals who don't have the time to shop during the day.

I was quite wrong. We arrived in Tesco at about 12.30am and the car park - toll free since it was night time - was quite well occupied.

There were dozens of people inside the supermarket - and certainly not just from the demographic I expected. They were from *cliché alert* all walks of life. I'm not sure how many exactly, but there were enough people to prevent the (very large) store from feeling deserted. There weren't enough people to get in the way, however, and we got our shopping done in no time.

Dunnes was perhaps a little quieter - we managed to find a few things there we couldn't find in Tesco, and a few things we didn't know we needed but just had to have!

One thing that struck me was that many of the staff in both Tesco and Dunnes were middle-aged, certainly a far higher percentage than during the day. Quite a few looked to be sixty-ish, and all seemed polite and competent - no bad thing.

I don't know why so many of the night shifters are older folks, perhaps someone can enlighten me?

All in all I was very impressed with the whole experience of late night shopping - even more so when I consider that this is far from the norm in many parts of Europe. Sure, they may have 24 hour convenience stores where the cashier is behind bulletproof glass, but do they have two huge supermarkets - right next to one another - that are open 24 hours a day, in a town of less than 15,000 people?

I don't think so.

Charlie McCreevy is right you know. Maybe our continental friends need a refresher course in supply-side economics. If you build it, they will come.

Possible ban on alcohol ads

Mary Harney, Ireland's deputy prime minister, has said that alcohol advertising on TV might be banned in the future if advertisers don't stick to a new voluntary code of conduct.

If this were to happen Ireland would be the first country in the world to legislate in this area, Mary said.

The new code of conduct governs TV, radio, cinema and billboards - but not alcohol sponsorship of sporting events, which is becoming somewhat controversial.

Although I don't like any curbs on free speech or free expression, I would support a ban on alcohol advertising if I could see evidence that it helps to curb underage drinking or even alcohol consumption in the general population.

The fact that no other country has tried this means that such evidence is - unsurprisingly - hard to come by.

Nearly two years ago Ireland became the first country in the world to introduce a ban on smoking "in the workplace" - which effectively means anywhere indoors other than a private residence.

Other countries, like Norway, the UK and Finland seem to be following suit and further countries are considering similar measures. Perhaps in 15 or 20 years time a ban on smoking in public places may have become the norm in the western world.

When the ban came into force here in March 2004 the government was widely praised, both at home and internationally, for what many people called a "courageous" and "visionary" decision.

It wasn't really that courageous or visionary - it was plain common sense. Ireland brought in this ban as a country with a relatively low rate of tobacco consumption compared to many of our European neighbours, and the number of smokers was already falling every year.

Now, nobody is suggesting new restrictions on the consumption of alcohol, but I believe any serious move by the government to change Ireland's increasingly problematic drinking culture could be far more controversial and difficult than the smoking ban ever was.

That might be why the government hasn't tried very hard to do anything about it so far.

Ireland's drinking problem is almost uniquely serious - we share it with Britain and perhaps a handful of other countries.

If the government decided to finally take some real measures to force the country to dry out it might be the most difficult thing the Irish people have had to deal with for decades.

But it really would be a courageous and visionary decision.

Keano heads north

Now for my first sport-related post!

The news that everyone already knew for the past several weeks is finally official - Roy Keane has signed for Glasgow Celtic.

For those of you that don't know - and I doubt there are too many of ye - Roy Keane is a 34 year old former Irish international soccer player.

He has spent the last 12 years playing club football at Manchester United, and became known as one of the best midfielders in the world.

Keano quit United last month amid rumours that he had a fatal falling out with the club's (mostly) brilliant but rather arrogant manager, Alex Ferguson.

He has always said it was his dream to play for Celtic.

Roy has been involved in some controversy during his 12 years in Manchester - he has been known to criticise his teammates for their (apparently insufficient) work ethic.

He was sent home from Ireland's 2002 World Cup base in Saipan for telling the Irish manager some home truths about allowing his squad to drink themselves silly the night before a match.

And for telling him he was an English pr*k.

Because he is one of the best football players in the world - and because he is often right, Keano can get away with criticising his fellow players. In my opinion it isn't very smart for professional footballers to get drunk the night before a match - it's inevitable their performance will suffer.

I don't know if the work ethic at Celtic is up to Roy's standards - but it will be interesting to see if the club of Keano's dreams will be at the receiving end of any Keano criticism.

The perils of opposing Syria in Lebanon

Most of you will remember the assassination of Rafik Hariri, the former Prime Minister of Lebanon, in a huge car bomb in Beirut last February.

It's generally accepted in Lebanon and elsewhere that Hariri was killed by Syrian intelligence because he was opposed to Syria's military domination of Lebanon.

Rafik Hariri was a very popular figure in Lebanon and his killing caused outrage in the country. In fact popular protests in Lebanon, along with US and UN pressure, led to the Syrian military withdrawing from Lebanon. In the tone of the Orange Revolution in the Ukraine, the popular protests that led to Syria's withdrawal were called the 'Cedar Revolution'.

A UN report into Hariri's killing was released last Monday and drew the same conclusion as most of the international community already had - that senior Syrian and Lebanese officials (Lebanon had a pro-Syrian government before the Cedar Revolution) were involved in the bombing.

The Syrian government has continued to deny any prior knowledge of the killing, but President Bashar al-Assad has said any Syrians found to be involved in the plot to kill Hariri will be punished.

Anyway, you might think Syria had learned its lesson. After killing Hariri they were not only forced to withdraw from Lebanon, but the international community also joined the US in putting a great deal of pressure on Syria to cooperate with the UN inquiry into Hariri's death and also to stop allowing terrorists to enter Iraq through Syrian territory.

This pressure, along with some signs of opposition at home, has left al-Assad looking weak and ineffective to many.

But it looks like his policy in Lebanon hasn't changed.

Since Hariri's killing, two anti-Syrian journalists have also been killed.

And on Monday, a prominent anti-Syrian MP - and head of a respected newspaper - was killed too. Just like Hariri, he died in a car bomb in Beirut.

Gebran Tueni had only been elected an MP earlier this year after the Cedar Revolution. He had been living in Paris until Sunday, apparently because he was afraid of being assassinated.

International diplomatic and media reaction to this latest assassination has been relatively muted, at least in comparison to the outcry after Hariri's killing.

Perhaps al-Assad is on to something - even though he is isolated today, if he keeps sticking to his policy of interfering in Lebanon from behind the scenes the international community will eventually lose interest.

Or maybe he is wrong. If the US and UN don't lose interest in doing something about the dictatorship in Syria - and I don't think they will - then this latest assassination may only hasten the day of al-Assad's demise.

Eye-raq

Just a brief word today on Iraq (Or Eye-raq as a US Marine friend always calls it).

The elections to a "permanent" parliament - one that should sit for up to 4 years - are being held on Thursday. Some Iraqis, namely hospital patients, prisoners and soldiers already voted today.

What's interesting about this general election is that Sunnis are expected to take part in significant numbers, and violence (car bombs, IEDs, etc) seems to be a lot less serious - in terms of lives lost - than in the run up to the previous elections.

Today an in-depth poll of Iraqis by ABC and BBC was released. The results belie many of the things the mainstream media would have us believe - namely that Iraq is doomed, worse now than during Saddam, etc, etc.

Now I know that ABC and BBC are part of the mainstream media, and are usually fairly pessimistic about Iraq. Indeed, that might explain why they're not giving a great deal of coverage to the survey they commissioned themselves!

No! Now I'm just being too cynical.

Anyway, the survey results deserve quite a lot of coverage because they provide perhaps the best insight into the views of ordinary Iraqis since the end of the war.

The survey doesn't paint an entirely rosy picture by any means, so even anti-war pessimistic types will be cheered by some of the results.

AhMADinejad?

Does anyone get the incredibly witty headline???

Anyway, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the President of Iran. He has been in office since June 2005, and in the six months since then he has done more to alienate Iran from the civilised world than anyone except Ruhollah Khomeini.

Mr Ahmadinejad was already well known as a - to use the politically correct BBC term - "hardliner" before he became president. When he was mayor of Tehran he curbed some of the Western-style freedoms that the citizens had gained.

However, the world only really understood the man's "hardline" credentials when he spoke before 3,000 students at a conference entitled "The World without Zionism". In his speech he said Israel was a "disgraceful blot" that "must be wiped out from the map of the world".

The president of one of the biggest Muslim nations in the world managed to threaten Israel itself as well as other Muslim countries in the same speech:
"...growing turmoil in the Islamic world will in no time wipe Israel away... Anybody who recognises Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury".

This speech was so, um, hardline that the usual anti-Israel consensus among the international community was temporarily blown away by worldwide condemnation of the "Islamic Republic" and Ahmadinejad himself. Even Kofi Annan took Israel's side - a rare act for a UNSG nowadays. Inside Iran, many of his usual allies were critical of the president, saying his words would harm Iran. Perceptive aren't they?

The diplomatic outrage over this speech had more or less fizzled out, until today that is, when Ahmadinejad decided to share some more pearls of moderate wisdom with the world.

"Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces... Although we don't accept this claim.

"If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe... to the Zionists, and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe".

Now I know some of Ahmadinejad's opinions aren't too far removed from the views of the average Yasser Arafat worshipping European leftie, or from the views of a large minority of Muslim people worldwide.

The problem is that the President of Iran is actually quite a powerful man in the Middle East. If he expresses these extreme opinions, then perhaps young Iranians and other young Muslims will feel it's OK to hold racist, or even genocidal, views.

Also, under Ahmadinejad's benevolent leadership Iran is doing its utmost to build a nuclear weapon, with the help of imported foreign expertise.

If anyone doubts that fact, I would remind them that the US and France are pretty much of one mind on the need to stop Iran from getting an A-bomb.

Whenever America and France work together it usually means things behind the scenes are getting serious.

For anyone who isn't terribly disturbed at the thought of Israel being destroyed, I leave you with this thought:

Most Middle-Eastern countries have, over the past several decades, frequently demonstrated their incompetence in military matters.

Saddam Hussein is one of many former leaders in the region who showed us that Muslims can't aim missiles.

Instead of hitting Tel Aviv, Iran's first A-bomb could well veer a little to the left and hit Gaza, or fall short and land in the West Bank.

Disturbed yet? Don't be. At least it might knock down a little bit of the separation barrier.

The problem is there may be no-one left to separate.

Blair version 2.1

As many of you fine blogophiles may have already heard, there's a new pilot at the helm of the Conservative party in Britain.

His name is David Cameron. He's 39 years old and he's an MP in his native county of Oxfordshire.

And if things start to go right for the Tories for a change, he may just be the next Prime Minister.

Now many people scoff at the thought that the Tories could win the next election, because Labour is too far ahead for them to be overtaken in one fell swoop.

I'm not so sure about that. There has been a huge change in the tone of media coverage of the Conservative party since Labour's relatively poor showing in the last election, and more especially during the Tory leadership race in the past few months.

It seems the media are beginning to take the Tories seriously again, for the first time in a decade.

Ten years ago, Labour were saved from a lengthy period of unelectability by a young, fresh-faced moderate, who spoke the language of reform. Tony Blair was such a surprising breath of fresh air for the people of Britain that he won the first election he fought as leader by a landslide.

By the time the next general election in the UK comes, Labour will have been in power for 12 years. By that time too, Gordon Brown will be in charge of leading the party in the general election campaign.

Compared to David Cameron, Gordon will look like the proverbial grumpy old man, desperate to hold on to power.

Maybe - just maybe - the difference in image between the two men, along with the reforms Cameron has promised to carry out, will be enough to unseat Labour in one go.

Time will tell, but with David Cameron's arrival on the scene British politics has just become a lot less predictable.

Al Qaeda look west

As some of you may have spotted in my profile, I'm from Co Mayo. For the geographically challenged amongst you, that's in the WESHT of Ireland.

Now Mayo, unlike what some ill-informed people would have you believe, is a rather modern and prosperous county. We even have our own international airport, on a foggy, boggy hill near Charlestown.

Indeed us Mayomen and women like to boast about Knock Airport because it symbolizes the point I just made about Mayo being more modern than most people think.

I'm already getting defensive. I'd better digress to my main point before I start boasting that Knock Airport is actually the fourth busiest airport in the country, and that it's privately owned, and that it's soooo much better than Galway Airport and Farranfore :-)

One of the few widely held beliefs about Mayo that is actually true is that it is a generally safe, crime-free place, where little of international importance happens, except for celebrity marriages/vacations and the occasional Bertie/Tony summit.

Imagine my surprise then when I read in a local newspaper that the well-known international terrorist group al Qaeda (you may remember them from such bombings as Bali and New York) had decided to grace our fair county with their potentially explosive presence.

As the article says (read it now if you haven't done so already!) an Algerian fellow called Abbas Boutrab carried out several "dummy runs" to test security at Knock Airport with the intention, one would imagine, of eventually trying it out for real.

Now the article doesn't say so, but I believe this nasty north African probably chose Knock Airport because he believed the airport to be so small and in such a backward part of the country that its security wouldn't be up to stopping a suicide bomber.

Isn't it odd that a nutty Muslim terrorist from another continent holds the same prejudices about the west of Ireland as some snobby Irish people do? Hmm...Maybe not.

The good news is that Mr Boutrab is being held by the good people at the PSNI (that's the police in Northern Ireland) and will probably stay 'up North' for some time to come.

The other good news is that he never succeeded in killing anyone.

The final bit of good news is that this terrorist threat has really put Knock Airport on the map. In fact it has probably upped the cachet of Knock Airport throughout the aviation world.

Just think of the marketing opportunities...

The Turner Prize

Last night, the Turner Prize for 2005 was awarded to Simon Starling, a "conceptualist" who, according to the Daily Telegraph, is known as the Nutty Professor.

Mr Starling won the £25,000 prize for:

1. Finding a rotting boatshed on the river Rhine in Germany.
2. Buying the shed and taking it apart.
3. Building a boat from the rotting planks.
4. Rowing the boat to Switzerland.
5. Rebuilding the shed at his exhibition in Basle.

And, in a final act of unbridled creativity, Mr Starling named his work Shedboatshed.

'Nuff said.

The Best funeral ever?

On George Best's funeral earlier today, I have to say it was one of the most impressive televised funerals I've seen for a few years. Up there with the Queen Mother and Ronald Reagan... almost.

I understand that the people of Northern Ireland (and the rest of Ireland and Britain too) care a lot about this man, he was after all the best football player ever to hail from these islands.

And he was probably a nice fella in person too.

I just have a problem with the fact that the negative side of George Best is sugarcoated now. Whenever he is talked about I think of all the TV clips they have shown of Georgie in his prime, but I can't help but think also of the fact that he was an alcoholic who slapped his wife around.

And the fact that he started drinking again after he received a new liver, a precious human organ that he should have treated with respect.

I hope George Best will be remembered as a brilliant football player, but I also hope people won't forget he was a less than brilliant human being.

And I hope he rests in peace.

Is an angry columnist a popular columnist?

Just a quick word on Gwen Halley's latest column in the Sunday Indo.

Read it, then read this!

I have no problem at all with journalists criticising each other openly - it's all part of public debate. However it seems to me that Gwen went a little overboard in her criticism of Vincent Browne. At first she wants to address issues facing women journalists, but her piece descends into a rather incoherent diatribe in only the third paragraph.

Often columnists with the chutzpah of Ms Halley can be quite entertaining, even funny, raising issues that other journalists fail to address. Unfortunately, Gwen Halley has a long way to go before her writing could be called either entertaining or funny.

It looks like her only real motivation for writing this column is political - she wants to hit out at people who have rubbed her up the wrong way during her (very short) journalistic career.

It is perhaps a reflection on the nature of Irish journalism - being such a small community - that antipathy toward fellow journalists can become so strong and so personal.

Although I have little appreciation for her style of writing I do admire, to a small extent, that such a young journalist has the balls to be so outspoken. Especially considering the fact that she is laying into one of the best known journalists in Ireland.

Anyway, perhaps we are underestimating her. The old axiom that any publicity is good publicity applies as much to journalists as it does to any other profession.

The fact is we spent hours talking about Gwen Halley in my MAJ class, and I'll certainly be looking out for her next column, to see if she continues on the same vein or not.

So if she was looking for more readers, she may have succeeded, but does the end justify the means?

Interesting...?

The head of the European Central Bank has said that he wants to raise interest rates in the 12 countries that use the Euro.

Jean-Claude Trichet (he's French by the way) says he wants to raise the rate from 2% to 2.25% in December and might continue to increase them in subsequent months.

Think about this for a minute.

Governments normally raise interest rates when the economy they're in charge of is doing so well that it's in danger of overheating. A rate rise helps to take money out of the economy by encouraging savers and making borrowing less attractive.

Now I may have done just one year of economics in college but from where I'm sitting the European economy isn't exactly in danger of overheating. In fact the major economies (Germany, Italy and Holland especially) have experienced quite a bit of "negative growth" over the past few years.

For those of you who haven't heard this before, "negative growth" really is the official term used to describe economies that are shrinking. I guess in this pc age we live in people are afraid to use any stronger language in case the economy involved is easily offended!

In fairness, raising interest rates is also a tool for easing inflation, and Eurozone inflation is at 2.5%, above the target of 2%. And the Eurozone economy is forecasted to grow more strongly in 2006.

But does Mr Trichet really want to risk choking off any embryonic recovery in Europe before such a recovery has even begun? All for the sake of easing inflation of 2.5% which - although above the official target - is not a cause for any concern whatsoever.

It seems that the governments of some of Europe's biggest (and most glacial) economies agree raising interest rates now would be a bad idea. At least it's somewhat heartening to know that not all governments on mainland Europe are filled with amadáns.

Considering I'm Irish (and our economy is motoring along just fine) I should have no problem with (slightly) higher interest rates, as they shouldn't do Ireland any harm.

I can't help but think though, that the Irish economy would be doing even better if the German, French and other EU countries were booming like we are.

Mr Trichet's announcement has made that eventuality even less likely than it was before.

Sadly it appears the continental European economies will have to continue to play second fiddle to the economies of the Anglo-Saxon world for the foreseeable future.

Plus ca change.

O Dea, O Dea!

This is Ireland's Minister for Defence, Willie O'Dea, on the front page of the Irish Times. This pic was one of several compromising shots (pardon the pun) taken when Willie visited his troops during a training exercise at Army HQ in Co Kildare.

Predicably, opposition politicians here jumped on this picture, saying it was ill judged, tasteless, etc, etc.

It might just be me, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a Defence minister visiting his troops and having some fun. Anyway Willie later explained the gun wasn't loaded and that the photographers asked him to hold it up.

On the other hand the fact that Dublin is in the middle of a gangland murder spree (for murder read 'blow your rival's brains out with an automatic weapon') means that an elected representative should know better than to be photographed with an automatic pistol!

And btw, Mr O'Dea is from Limerick, a city that is rather, um, sensitive about it's reputation (somewhat undeserved) of being Ireland's murder capital.

Personally, I'm glad the controversy blew out after a day or two. I have to say I appreciate a minister who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. I mean how often do you see Mary Coughlan (our agriculture minister) spreading muck in a field? (Literal, not metaphorical muck btw!)

Anyway, Willie shouldn't worry. Even if he lost his Cabinet job, he could still make some money as a Groucho Marx lookalike...

Nascent blog...

Just created my first blog, v. exciting...

Just a brief comment for today about the double 'gangland' murder in Dublin last night. I can't help but notice that these mafia murders are looking more and more like something from the Sopranos.

Last night two men in an expensive Lexus car drove into an affluent estate in Tallaght in Dublin. Both men were shot in the head, apparently before even getting out of their car. The Gardai (Irish police) in their wisdom think it may have something to do with a feud between rival criminal gangs.

No sh*t.

I've always enjoyed gangster movies and TV shows like the Sopranos, comforted by the thought that the violence is probably exaggerated for dramatic effect, and that 'that kind of thing' only happens in other countries. I guess I was wrong about that.

Only a couple of weeks ago a young man was shot in the back after being driven up into the Wicklow mountains. The Gardai believe he knew his killers and went with them willingly, never knowing what was to happen to him. That was also a drugs/criminal gangs related thing btw.

Part of me is comforted by the thought that these gangs generally only kill each other, and that often the people who die are not a great loss to society in general.

On the other hand back in 1996 one of Ireland's best known crime journalists, Veronica Guerin, was shot dead in her car on a busy Dublin highway because she was considered a threat to certain criminals. In her journalistic exploits she had delved too deeply into Dublin's criminal underbelly and paid the price.

Food for thought...